Sneaky John

Ella has been on a campaign to scare me. Hiding behind doors, lying in wait in my closet, jumping out from corners–she’s made it her personal mission to raise my heart rate without the accompanying need to exercise. The problem is, she does it too much, taking every available opportunity to jump out and roar. […]

Impersonation of a Wife

I forgot my wallet today when we drove the kids to the park, but Amy remembered hers. I asked her if she thought I could pass as her if we got pulled over. She said no chance. You can’t get any support from anybody these days. My wife promised to be by my side through […]

Handyman Origin Story

News Anchor: Mr. Landlord, you’ve owned 936 cars, 63 retail stores, and 4,758 pairs of shoes, to say nothing of the shipping containers’ worth of dishes and utensils cluttering your enormous property. You’ve issued statements saying you only believe in buying new, using once or twice, or buying cheap and using forever. Forgive me if […]

Pastime Oreos

I joked in my Toastmasters prez note about doing the responsible thing when I’m feeling down: eating Oreos and wishing for the glory days of the Cubs’ 2016 championship. Maybe we shouldn’t leave this in the realm of the joke. Maybe we should put this idea into production. Denial helps no one. Oreos and commiseration, […]

Government Obscurity

Trevor, my youngest brother, and I were talking about government transparency in the context of open-plan offices. People say they want transparency, but they don’t. Not really. If you followed this desire through to its logical, literal conclusion, you’d have glass walls–even in bathrooms. Want to see the color of your local tax collector’s shit? […]