An article from the QC Times described a thief who had been arrested for robbing the Dollar Tree. If you’re going to rob a store, why the Dollar Tree?

Your resale value for Dollar Tree stolen merchandise is crap. If all the merchandise had been sold, and the proceeds were sitting in one register, you still wouldn’t have enough to buy a decent used car.

We think this thief (Bobby 7, previously seen in our June 29, 2019 column Little Meth Lab on the Back 40) needed to aspire to higher thievery, but let’s hear from Bobby 7.

Exclusively from the Scott County Jail:

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TFF: When we last spoke, you were getting your meth business off the ground. Now you’ve been arrested for petty theft. What happened?

Bobby 7: I still don’t think of m’self as the pohlitical tahp, but when that meth legalization bill come down from that there legeeslayuture, I knewd I had to i’volve m’self. But, u’forchoonately, so did all m’ cohmpatriots, m’ buddies. Well, they were’d m’ buddies. Ah gees wud ‘m trying t’ say is, we done flooded the markeet, so we’d had to think of other ways to make money.

TFF: And those other ways didn’t involve getting a job in a legitimate business? Maybe a retail worker or fast food?

Bobby 7: Y’seen how much sugar they put in them there cuhandy bars? Y’seen how much sugar they put in them there ahce cuhream bars? Y’seen how much sugar they put in them there sohdee pops, and evun in the brayd and buns of the sandweeches at them there fast food stohres? Call me a criminal. It’s criminal what thay’re doing. Too much sugar. Rot yer face way faster than meth. So t’ answer y’r queshun, I don’t feel raht allying m’self with them there corpohrate cohrupters. Bobby 7 got to remain induhpendent.

TFF: We can understand wanting to remain independent. This is why we exist as a humor magazine—to find different ways of approaching topics, hyperbolically so, if necessary, turning them inside out, and finding humor in unusual places. However, there’s something called risk versus reward that we honor.

Bobby 7: Ah see. Yer sayin’ I ain’t put enuf thought into m’ actions. I went off, what’s the phuhrase? Half-cocked. You know, I’d always thought that meant I ‘adn’t uhchieved a full eerekshun, and ah disuhpouted my lady friend.

TFF: Actually, the phrase means you’ve insufficiently primed a weapon, like a handgun, for firing, so when you try to use it, it misfires.

Bobby 7: Ah dohn’t see the difference. Same result: yuh load don’t blowd, and yer mad o’ sad o’ both. Anyway, you wohnted to knowd why I payked the Dollar Tree. I payked it b’cause nobahdy aylse had payked it. Wid all o’ m’ buddies saturaytin’ the meth market, even wid it bein’ legal, the price done pluhmeeted, so I fig’red, prices o’ cheap itums would be on the rise raht quick. U’forchoonately, it dayn’t ‘appen that way. Guess I needs to take me suhm ecohnahmics claysses.

TFF: Just want to make sure I’m hearing this correctly. Because of the meth legalization bill, you found an excessive number of your buddies entering the legal market, yes?

Bobby 7: Thay’d be cohrect.

TFF: And this excessive number of entrants produced a market saturation of product, an oversupply situation, which caused a marked drop in prices, yes?

Bobby 7: Yays. Them market forsays be suhm powerfool forsays.

TFF: Got it. Finally, you thought that since formerly high prices were dropping, that portended a precipitous rise in formerly low prices, yes?

Bobby 7: What’s “portaynded”? Like you was givin’ money to the poor? Tendin’ to ‘em?

TFF: Sorry. Poor word choice. We meant you thought high prices dropping meant low prices would soon rise, yes?

Bobby 7: Ah see. Yays. That’s what I thawd right then, but it dohn’ work that way, uh gayss.

TFF: Thank you, Bobby 7. Insightful as always.

Bobby 7: For shore. If ah may?

TFF: Please.

Bobby 7: Ah would lahk to uhspire t’ higher thievuhree, lahk with bags o’ dimuhnds ‘n’ stuff, but the econahmics is hard. I gots me some stuff t’ lahrn.

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Higher learning for higher thievery.

Bobby 7 has a growth mindset.