Electric Jackhole

I live in a populous neighborhood. The streets are only wide enough for those shopping carts with fake car fenders bolted onto them, and yet the inhabitants of my neighborhood treat the space like it’s spacious enough to transport windmill farm blades. You know the kind that look like a giant’s butter knife? It’s a […]

Extreme Exfoliation

Will likes to play the adventure/horror game Dead by Daylight. He was talking about an attack technique and described surreptitiously getting behind someone and spinning his chainsaw. I thought he said the technique was called back rubbing. It was actually called “back revving,” as in revving one’s chainsaw to scare the bejesus out of a […]

Redneck Tanning Solutions

While Amy and I were driving to Costco to get flowers, I said I wanted to live half the year in the US and half in the UK. She asked why. I said so I could tan both of my arms evenly while I drive. My chest is so white that if I take my […]

Machete Mike’s Mowing

I see the grass, and it sees me. Today will be the challenge of challenges. Shoots will attempt to break free from uniformity, to diverge from inclusion in a level, collective cut. They will blame gorge winds. They will blame exhaust gusts. They will blame worm farts. But their deflections will stop short of action […]

Cockadoodlescream

We rented a cabin in Days Creek, Oregon for a long weekend. The owners run a working farm on the property: Pachamama Farms. Among the animals roaming about are chickens; roosters; geese; red meat pigs (this is a thing); a snow white Great Pyrenees Mountain Dog names Zeus, demeanor indicating he seems okay with having […]