Will likes to play the adventure/horror game Dead by Daylight. He was talking about an attack technique and described surreptitiously getting behind someone and spinning his chainsaw. I thought he said the technique was called back rubbing. It was actually called “back revving,” as in revving one’s chainsaw to scare the bejesus out of a survivor before taking them down.

In this game, though, using a euphemism to describe savage epidermal tissue disruption is not far-fetched. I’m imagining a day spa with characters from Dead by Daylight, where the treatments are on the barbarous side.

I call it Extreme Exfoliation.

* * *

Voiceover: Does your back look like your DNA was combined with a T-Rex?

Are your nails the thickness of sandwich bread?

Is your scalp a bustling metropolis in a winter storm, its climate best compared to the inside of a snow globe?

If you answered yes to any or all of these, you need to visit Extreme Exfoliation.

Extreme Exfoliation day spa comes to us from the makers of the hit game Dead by Daylight and incorporates various game elements into its treatments. For example:

EE Dermoflogogist: Chainsaw chewing will cure you of thick, scaly back skin. How it works is this: we start the chainsaw and suspend it in a pendulum cradle. We control the pendulum with a crane mechanism. This allows us to raise and lower the chainsaw at will, also to vary the rate at which the pendulum swings back and forth.

Does it hurt? Hell, yes. No one ever said beauty was cheap, except for the backwoods plastic surgeon my ex-wife once went to. She’s now a moose. *off-camera question* No, a literal moose.

If you stay still during the procedure, your back will be as smooth as polished porcelain. If you move, well, you’ll be food for my ex. Chainsaw chewing is only for the brave.

EE Nail Wrecknician: Chainsaw clipping brings new efficiencies to the trade. Picture this: you’re sitting in your office on a Wednesday afternoon. It’s the middle of summer. A freak weather system has dropped temperatures into the mid-70s and sucked all the humidity out of the air. Perfect day for frolicking on the beach, right?

Wrong.

Because you have photophobia, otherwise known as extreme light sensitivity of the eyes. You might glance outside, but unless you’re wearing your prescription welding mask, your corneas burn, and you look like a vampire.

What to do?

Make like a vampire, be vain, and trim your nails, of course. (You can get to throat ripping later. *hushed voice* I offer lessons on the side.)

*regular voice* But after your co-workers see your red eyes and think you’re going to drain the blood from their bodies, they’re extra judgy around you. The first sound of a severed nail has barely left your clippers when you get Really? looks shooting at you from all directions.

Can’t go outside. Can’t trim your nails. Soon to look like a Bedouin spending an extended holiday in an Ashram.

What to do?

Come to EE. I’ll use our patented chainsaw clipping technique to trim your nails in one sweeping go of the blade. Your nails might look rough, but you’ll have the weapons to answer those judgy co-workers with actions, not words.

EE Massage Tearapist: Chainsaw chiseling brings the latest in lumberjack techniques to the tight muscles of your back. Recall old black and white photos where men stand on either side of a Redwood, using a 15’ blade to fell the great trees.

Now imagine all that wood-cutting power concentrated in a chainsaw.

Some Redwoods are hundreds of years old, and they were felled using human effort and a sharp blade. At EE, we’re all about harnessing that cutting power and activating it with gasoline.

When you’re done with your session, your back will look like a demolition derby was held in a drained cranberry bog, but your kinks will have fled—along with most of your blood.

Did I mention we offer an on-site transfusion service for an extra charge?

Voiceover: The makers of Dead by Daylight want you to experience their game in the most authentic way possible: by feeling what the characters feel.

Blood loss and back knot unbundling are bonuses.

* * *

The organ donor people will be all over this.

Better check your wallet.

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