Cut the Fruit and Pack All the Knives

“Cut the fruit and pack all the knives,” Amy said as we were packing up the house for moving and trying to determine what we could take with us on the road. Sounds like a conversation between a husband and wife, health-conscious contract killer team. * * * The fruit bowl had just been filled. […]

Dr. Rocks Off

A buddy of mine said the doctor who performed his vasectomy was named Dr. Rocks Off. Probably not how his name was spelled, but that’s what I heard, and it got me thinking. Somewhere, there’s a real Dr. Rocks Off, who casts aside traditions of modesty like garbage on the side of the highway, all […]

The Soothing Sounds of My 38-Inch Cutting Deck

I got a new day gig in the Midwest. This gig will bring us closer to our family roots and closer to real estate prices that feel grounded in reality, rather than high up in the coke-filled clouds of a subprime speculator’s drug-fueled wet dream. With cheaper real estate comes the ability to get more […]

The Etymology of Suck

I asked Amy if she thought our old Dyson vacuum sucked better or worse than it used to. A word tornado ensued that went something like this: Amy: Sucked worse? You mean it got worse at sucking. Does not suck as much dirt? Seth: I mean compared with how it sucked before, how does it […]

Punch Club

We learned that Ella needs dental work to correct problems with her overbite. No, this does not involve her lowering herself to the counter and gnashing her jaws like a parasitic worm, devouring all of Amy’s latest snickerdoodle muffins before anyone else can get a bite; it involves bone growth, or, rather, improper bone growth. […]