Amy bought a rubber belt with studs on it and hung this in the shower. I got all excited about kinky shower sex, until she told me it was an exfoliator, used to prevent acne.

Suddenly white bodily fluids aren’t so sexy.

I’ve developed an alternative explanation for the presence of the non-kinky item. It was non-kinky only because of the small dimensions of our shower. We have a stand-alone shower in our master bathroom. We have a jacuzzi tub, but the shower is about the size of a coffin stood on end. Okay, a coffin stood on end for Al Capone or William Jennings Bryan or John Candy, but a coffin, nonetheless. You believe you can fly? Not in my shower, you can’t.

I believe that if the rubber belt were hung above my jacuzzi tub, it would have acquired the powers of kink. If it were hung outside, it would have acquired the powers of kink, and also the power/right to hire an attorney to defend me against accusations of violating the HOA’s morality clause. (I don’t know if our HOA has a morality clause, but it’s an HOA. Gotta be some dark ritual going on somewhere, the result of which is narrow language and no fun.)

In essence, the ability or inability to move one’s limbs freely is the determining factor in whether a location shows activity on the kink scale. Some choice locations that may or may not lend themselves to a good kink rating:

Outdoor Trampoline

Netting surrounds the modern versions of these. With wear and tear from the elements and the occasional knife fight, this netting often develops rips and tears. Thus, outdoor, non-standard-sourced fishnet stockings. Lots of room to move around. Lots of fishnet material to fashion according to fantasy. But there is the HOA to think about. Also the scarring of children.

Kink rating: 7. Danger rating: 7.

Jail Cell

Following the logical conclusion of a romp on my neighbor’s trampoline, swaddled in kinky trampoline netting, I feel law enforcement would get involved, so my next location is a cell in the county jail.

We live in Warren County, IA. I’ve never seen the inside of the Warren County Jail, but I have Internet. The entrance is flanked on either side by multi-story glass, limestone, and brick walls, windows at the top of which give these walls the appearance of Minecraft characters. The building is an older, squat, rectangular box that could have served as inspiration for the Kitchener Ironworks in Stephen King’s IT.

I didn’t find any good pictures of the cells online, but judging by the exterior, I’m guessing these are of the 6’ x 8’ variety. Not a lot of room, but cell size may be a non-issue.

Because of its failure to develop in utero from an old, creepy building into a modern one, the Warren County Jail probably has spirits caught between generational progress. Even when one is dead, change is tough. I see these spats between the old and the new as tension builders. Plus, we just finished watching the first season of American Horror Story, and now that I know sex with ghosts is possible, the walls of a jail cell seem less limiting.

Kink rating: 10. Danger rating: 5.

Aging Snowbank

A little ice on the nipples can conjure images of a Russian winter fantasy, complete with stranded royalty, heavy furs, and, oddly, the ever-present forgetting to wear anything underneath gambit.

But trying to reenact this in your aging, dirty snowbank at the end of your driveway presents more problems than solutions. Frostbite will temper a turbo-charged heart. Wet, heavy snow will dilute lube and slick one’s footing. Best to leave this one to the dogs.

Kink rating: 5. Danger rating: 10.

Is this short list arbitrary? Of course it is. Should you try any of these locations for your own fantasies to see if ordinary exfoliating objects can transform into titillating toys? Or bounce you to buxom boisterousness? Or excarcerate (I’ve declared this to be a word) your incarcerated id? Or feather your frozen phallus?

Check in with the expanse of your mind.

How much room have you got?