I bought Amy Chirp Wheels for her birthday.

These are tires and rims without the spokes. They’re supposed to help with relieving back tension, and they do, but what I saw was a sex toy.

Maybe that’s not their intended use, but whoever made a living marketing by playing it safe? Do you think the guy who suggested that Snickers blast-tackle Betty White in a muddy pick-up football game sat in the corner of the pitch room, quietly taking notes and doodling the aforementioned blast-tackling of a favorite, way-old TV personality, and the creative team manager just happened to glance his way and know he was creating a masterpiece?

Don’t think so. Gotta go bold.

Back to Chirp as sex toy. I’ve got no limit when it comes to turning things dirty. I’m like Joey Tribbiani, Grandma’s chicken salading my way along the salacious switching highway. For the Chirp Wheels, I’ve got 10 reasons why it makes more sense to see them in an adult bookstore than a tire shop or online back tension reliever store.

  1. They have a weight limit that far exceeds the poundage of a typical user. I don’t think this was simply a challenge to create funny YouTube fail videos.
  1. Cirque du Soleil performers like to have sex, too, but in their element. Also, with Covid going on and Cirque performers out of work, they had to make money somehow. The answer: a new porn category.
  1. You’ve heard of nail marks, right? Skid marks (not those skid marks) are the new back skin abrasion fantasy technique. However you screech your wheels to a halt is up to you.
  1. You can poke your arm through them and pull your arm back without tension, which is an indication of a wheel well-loved.
  1. If you tried to put these on a car, you wouldn’t get very far, forcing you to park and find other ways to occupy your time. Yes, it’s high school nostalgia. It’s also romantic, in a you-ruined-your-car’s-axles-but-yay-for-love-life-excitement kind of way.
  1. Chirp Wheels have a channel in their center, supposedly designed to receive the protrusion of your spine, but turn it over, and you’ve got a slot for all seasons while doing the Superman. String enough of these Chirp Wheels together, and you can fly for a long time, until you get to the Fortress of Solitude or the Bat Cave, or whatever you call it—something, I hope, not indicative of melancholy or cold, infrequently used subterranean space.
  1. Even if you don’t have Cirque du Soleil aspirations, standing on a Chirp Wheel is a hell of a way to improve Kegel and groin strength, and more than a few functions of a healthy sex life benefit from having more fuel in those tanks.
  1. When you buy Chirp Wheels, you get the wheels, not some upselling pitch from a plucky salesperson trying to convince you the platinum-coated Chirp Wheels are better than the standard model, which leaves you more time to focus on what you’re doing with the wheels (you don’t have to tell me *wink, wink*) as opposed to how you look doing what you’re doing.
  1. I honestly don’t know how these can be marketed only as a tool for back tension relief when they clearly have so many applications as a sex toy.
  1. In answer to #9: they are first used, in myriad ways, to build tension. Then they are used to relieve that tension in the post-coital afterglow.

A product that provides an unadvertised benefit and then uses its advertised features to help you recover and return you to the beginning of the amorous, virtuous cycle.

That’s marketing genius.