I bought Amy Chirp Wheels for her birthday. These are tires and rims without the spokes. They’re supposed to help with relieving back tension, and they do, but what I saw was a sex toy. Maybe that’s not their intended use, but whoever made a living marketing by playing it safe? Do you think the […]
Category Archives: Columns
The Curious Case of Brownie the Flying Cat
Anna was tracking a stray, brown cat that we saw through the back door. Then its paw prints suddenly disappeared. I wondered what happened. Rather than investigate, I chose to fictionalize where Brownie ended up. Spoiler alert: he’s okay, but he did have a rough go of it for a while. * * * Brownie […]
My Good Friend Gupus Needs Help
Amy and I were trying to drive from the SE 14th and Indianola Ave Mister Car Wash in Des Moines to Burlington Coat Factory. (Poppa needs new shoes.) We turned right onto Indianola Ave. A second later, our Dodge Journey’s GPS (aka Gupus) said to turn left. We crossed SE 14th. A second later, Gupus […]
Elbert Ainstein
We bought Will an Albert Einstein Funko Pop for his birthday. Before opening it, he shook it, turned it around in his hands, listened to the package, and declared he knew what it was. We asked him how he could be so sure. He remarked that the Albert Einstein edition was the only Funko Pop […]
Grow Your Own Furniture
Amy was assembling our new dressers. The dressers couldn’t have been more disassembled, “unless they made me cut my own wood,” she said. Yes, they could be, I countered. They could have made us grow our own trees. * * * Dissatisfied with your local furniture superstore’s selection? Feeling emotionally disconnected from the furniture pieces […]
Kinky by Dimensions
Amy bought a rubber belt with studs on it and hung this in the shower. I got all excited about kinky shower sex, until she told me it was an exfoliator, used to prevent acne. Suddenly white bodily fluids aren’t so sexy. I’ve developed an alternative explanation for the presence of the non-kinky item. It […]
The University of Iowa Bumblebees
Amy and I were playing Ticket to Ride. Amy was black. I was yellow. Amy commented that we had bumblebee colors. I said it was Iowa Hawkeye colors. Amy asked why the Hawkeyes weren’t the bumblebees. “Bumblebees are scary,” she said. Maybe. But not on the football field. Some names must remain static. I imagine […]
2020 Bibliopathy Report
I have a problem. It’s books. I acquire them armloads at a time. Many go unread for years. They are insulating the house, I think. To this and other rationalizations, my wife, Amy, rolls her eyes, but she’s got a bad case of bibliopathy herself. She just hides it with e-books and library checkouts. We […]
Weather News Happens or Not
An article from earlier this week in the Des Moines Register had this headline: Blizzard Conditions Hit Norwest Iowa. Like my eyes to Cubs, Packers, or Blazers apparel and paraphernalia on my fellow man or woman, I snapped to attention at the almost-concatenation of the end of the second word and the beginning of the […]
Apples Around the Dollar Tree
I stand in line at the Des Moines, IA Dollar Tree on SE 14th, six feet back from the shopper ahead of me. We are spaced properly, but he is behind his blue painter’s tape line, so I am forced to stand behind mine, lest I should open a gap that is wastefully large. I stand […]