I got a new day gig in the Midwest. This gig will bring us closer to our family roots and closer to real estate prices that feel grounded in reality, rather than high up in the coke-filled clouds of a subprime speculator’s drug-fueled wet dream. With cheaper real estate comes the ability to get more […]
Category Archives: Columns
The Etymology of Suck
I asked Amy if she thought our old Dyson vacuum sucked better or worse than it used to. A word tornado ensued that went something like this: Amy: Sucked worse? You mean it got worse at sucking. Does not suck as much dirt? Seth: I mean compared with how it sucked before, how does it […]
Punch Club
We learned that Ella needs dental work to correct problems with her overbite. No, this does not involve her lowering herself to the counter and gnashing her jaws like a parasitic worm, devouring all of Amy’s latest snickerdoodle muffins before anyone else can get a bite; it involves bone growth, or, rather, improper bone growth. […]
Shiny Wing Lips
I bought a sleeveless workout sweatshirt from Goodwill. When I worked out in it for the first time, I sweated through it at the base of my sternum in the shape of a pair of lips. Not just any lips; huge, come on, Marilyn Monroe lips. In previous workouts, I’ve sweated through other t-shirts and […]
Violent Writers
Amy told me about a group of rich kids who were arrested for being violent rioters. I thought she said writers. Rioters are old hat these days. I’m more interested in hearing about violent writers. Questions on my mind right now: What techniques do violent writers use? Are there wardrobe requirements? In what environment is […]
Best Books of 1020
Although I closely monitor and consume all new offerings from John Grisham, John Sandford, and Michael Connelly, I like to break from well-established novelists and read new writers. So wayfaring in 2014, I discovered the writings of Kevin Wilson, author of the novels The Family Fang, Perfect Little World, Nothing to See Here, and […]
Demon Pilgrim
In the game Awkward Family Photos, one of the pics shows a family of four. You can safely ignore the parents and one of the kids, but the kid off to the left? Keep an eye on that ghoul. He’s wearing a mask. In the age of COVID-19, the presence of this article might set […]
Electric Jackhole
I live in a populous neighborhood. The streets are only wide enough for those shopping carts with fake car fenders bolted onto them, and yet the inhabitants of my neighborhood treat the space like it’s spacious enough to transport windmill farm blades. You know the kind that look like a giant’s butter knife? It’s a […]
Extreme Exfoliation
Will likes to play the adventure/horror game Dead by Daylight. He was talking about an attack technique and described surreptitiously getting behind someone and spinning his chainsaw. I thought he said the technique was called back rubbing. It was actually called “back revving,” as in revving one’s chainsaw to scare the bejesus out of a […]
Redneck Tanning Solutions
While Amy and I were driving to Costco to get flowers, I said I wanted to live half the year in the US and half in the UK. She asked why. I said so I could tan both of my arms evenly while I drive. My chest is so white that if I take my […]