The Soothing Sounds of My 38-Inch Cutting Deck

I got a new day gig in the Midwest.

This gig will bring us closer to our family roots and closer to real estate prices that feel grounded in reality, rather than high up in the coke-filled clouds of a subprime speculator

The Etymology of Suck

I asked Amy if she thought our old Dyson vacuum sucked better or worse than it used to. A word tornado ensued that went something like this:

Amy: Sucked worse? You mean it got worse at sucking. Does not suck as much dirt?

Seth: I mean compared with how it sucked before, how does it suck now?

Amy: This is assuming it always sucked.

Seth: Well, it has, to some degree, always sucked. But what I want to know is does the sucking suck, or does the sucking not suck, as in does the sucking not blow?

Amy: Not blowing would mean it sucks but does not suck?

Seth: Yes, but it has always sucked, so to suck and blow would answer my question of: did the sucking suck, or did the sucking not blow?

Amy: Yes, but if it sucks, doesn

Punch Club

We learned that Ella needs dental work to correct problems with her overbite. No, this does not involve her lowering herself to the counter and gnashing her jaws like a parasitic worm, devouring all of Amy

Editor’s Note–TFF Issue 27

Incongruities are the chief source of my humor.

It could be that I am creating the incongruities in my head, twisting reality to suit the joke, or just being an irascible, irritating, embarrassing dad, but that

Shiny Wing Lips

I bought a sleeveless workout sweatshirt from Goodwill. When I worked out in it for the first time, I sweated through it at the base of my sternum in the shape of a pair of lips. Not just any lips; huge, come on, Marilyn Monroe lips.

In previous workouts, I

Violent Writers

Amy told me about a group of rich kids who were arrested for being violent rioters. I thought she said writers.

Rioters are old hat these days. I

Best Books of 1020

Although I closely monitor and consume all new offerings from John Grisham, John Sandford, and Michael Connelly, I like to break from well-established novelists and read new writers.  

So wayfaring in 2014, I discovered the writings of Kevin Wilson, author of the novels The Family Fang, Perfect Little World, Nothing to See Here, and dozens of short stories. Later, I had the privilege of chatting with him about his work in one of two (yes, two!) podcasts The Family Farce produced that year. Similar efforts led to my conversation (second of two! We were content beasts!) with Adam Mansbach, author of the uncensored children

Demon Pilgrim

In the game Awkward Family Photos, one of the pics shows a family of four. You can safely ignore the parents and one of the kids, but the kid off to the left? Keep an eye on that ghoul.


Electric Jackhole

I live in a populous neighborhood.

The streets are only wide enough for those shopping carts with fake car fenders bolted onto them, and yet the inhabitants of my neighborhood treat the space like it

Extreme Exfoliation

Will likes to play the adventure/horror game Dead by Daylight. He was talking about an attack technique and described surreptitiously getting behind someone and spinning his chainsaw. I thought he said the technique was called back rubbing. It was actually called