Chirp So Good

I bought Amy Chirp Wheels for her birthday. These are tires and rims without the spokes. They’re supposed to help with relieving back tension, and they do, but what I saw was a sex toy. Maybe that’s not their intended use, but whoever made a living marketing by playing it safe? Do you think the […]

My Good Friend Gupus Needs Help

Amy and I were trying to drive from the SE 14th and Indianola Ave Mister Car Wash in Des Moines to Burlington Coat Factory. (Poppa needs new shoes.) We turned right onto Indianola Ave. A second later, our Dodge Journey’s GPS (aka Gupus) said to turn left. We crossed SE 14th. A second later, Gupus […]

Grow Your Own Furniture

Amy was assembling our new dressers. The dressers couldn’t have been more disassembled, “unless they made me cut my own wood,” she said. Yes, they could be, I countered. They could have made us grow our own trees. * * * Dissatisfied with your local furniture superstore’s selection? Feeling emotionally disconnected from the furniture pieces […]

Kinky by Dimensions

Amy bought a rubber belt with studs on it and hung this in the shower. I got all excited about kinky shower sex, until she told me it was an exfoliator, used to prevent acne. Suddenly white bodily fluids aren’t so sexy. I’ve developed an alternative explanation for the presence of the non-kinky item. It […]

The University of Iowa Bumblebees

Amy and I were playing Ticket to Ride. Amy was black. I was yellow. Amy commented that we had bumblebee colors. I said it was Iowa Hawkeye colors. Amy asked why the Hawkeyes weren’t the bumblebees. “Bumblebees are scary,” she said. Maybe. But not on the football field. Some names must remain static. I imagine […]

2020 Bibliopathy Report

I have a problem. It’s books. I acquire them armloads at a time. Many go unread for years. They are insulating the house, I think. To this and other rationalizations, my wife, Amy, rolls her eyes, but she’s got a bad case of bibliopathy herself. She just hides it with e-books and library checkouts. We […]

Cut the Fruit and Pack All the Knives

“Cut the fruit and pack all the knives,” Amy said as we were packing up the house for moving and trying to determine what we could take with us on the road. Sounds like a conversation between a husband and wife, health-conscious contract killer team. * * * The fruit bowl had just been filled. […]

The Etymology of Suck

I asked Amy if she thought our old Dyson vacuum sucked better or worse than it used to. A word tornado ensued that went something like this: Amy: Sucked worse? You mean it got worse at sucking. Does not suck as much dirt? Seth: I mean compared with how it sucked before, how does it […]

Punch Club

We learned that Ella needs dental work to correct problems with her overbite. No, this does not involve her lowering herself to the counter and gnashing her jaws like a parasitic worm, devouring all of Amy’s latest snickerdoodle muffins before anyone else can get a bite; it involves bone growth, or, rather, improper bone growth. […]